Delight or Doom? 7 Signs That You've Found the 'Right' Marriage Mate

You’ve invested a lot of time and effort in your relationship. As time goes by, you might be starting to wonder if this relationship is worth all the trouble or if you will need to go stick your fishing pool back in the sea for another fish. Before you decide to say “I do” and turn this relationship into a lifelong commitment, you need to decide if these seven signs appoint to a delightful relationship or one that is doomed and needs to be dropped. Use this as a checklist so you will know the relationship hand you’ve been dealt so you can hold ‘em or fold ‘em!

You are compatible. This means you fit together. While you don’t have to be exactly the same (let’s face it, that would be boring), you do need to have congruent core morals and values. These shape expectations and direction and are the essential ingredients of resilient marriages. After all, how can two people travel together unless they are heading in the same direction and agree on how they will get there? Are you on the same pathway or are you headed down opposite roads? 

Your temperament balances one another. He may be an extravert, and you may be introvert. He is fast and a Type A while you are mellow and steady. It may lead to conflict at times, but these differences in temperament bring balance. If you are the Yin to his Yang or vice versa, you will achieve a harmonic relationship. Are the differences those that create a whole or are you just too different to ever make the puzzle pieces fit?

You are both committed to do the work. The Beatles got it wrong – love is NOT all you need. Effort and work are necessary actions for a strong and satisfying relationship. Satisfaction has never come by just dialing it in; you feel satisfied when you work hard at something and get results. It’s you two against the world. Commitment to working on the relationship is the glue that holds it all together. Are you on the same play and showing up for the practices or are you absent in mind, body, and spirit when it comes time to hit the field?  If your partner is not engaged in making the effort now, it will not change once you are married; in fact, the lack of effort and engagement could get even worse.  

You are able to speak your partner’s love language. When two people from different languages try to communicate, it is often confusing and frustrating. Both people do not understand what the other person is trying to say. Therefore, you have to be bilingual and able to meet the needs of your partner by speaking their love language. These include romantic, sexual, and emotional needs that make each individual feel fulfilled. Is your mate taking the time to learn your language and are you interested in finding the translation to theirs? 

You are able to work together to resolve problems. This When the rubber meets the road, you have to be able to work through conflict to find resolution in a healthy and productive manner. Life is filled with bumps, twists, and turns, so having a partner that works well with you to sort it all out minimizes the stress on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you are going into the relationship with the intent to change the other person, and you shouldn’t be changing for the other person just to keep the peace. Do you both believe the relationship is worth the effort of finding solutions to problems or is the solution that the relationship equation doesn’t add up for the both of you?

You are attracted to them. Do you remember that initial spark between the two of you? There is a special chemistry that is electrifying when there is a physical attraction. As your relationship matures, your daily life issues dominate your attention, and your body ages, this attraction can keep those fires burning between the two of you. Do you still have the ingredients in place to stoke that fire for the long term? 

You genuinely like who they are as a person. A relationship must be based upon a solid friendship that can stand the test of time. You should like the person as much as you love them. Respect and honor are enduring traits that remain even as passion ebbs and flows over time. Before you had a relationship, you always put your friends first. Why not consider your spouse or mate like your other friends? Or, do you put the kids and dog first and your spouse last or do you make a special place by your side for them? Do they do the same for you?

The answers to these questions can help you determine if your relationship is worth the vested interest you’ve given it so far and if it has marriage potential. Just like any other type of investment, it’s time to weigh the risks and opportunities. Is it time to diversify and move on or is it worth buying and holding that relationship for the long term? These signs are the indicators you need to make that decision.

Conquering Fear by Running Toward (Not Away from) It

Two Sunday's ago was the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. Commemoration events were held all over country and nation. You didn’t have to lose anyone in the attack to feel the weight of sadness that overcame the country as the events of that tragic day were relived and revisited.

At the same time that these commemoration activities were taking place, the city of New York was dealing with credible reports of a planned terrorist attack. The city amped up its police presence significantly, which only served to deepen the tension. Even if you weren’t necessarily thinking there would be another attack, the significant police presence and all the media coverage certainly helped to create a psychological atmosphere of fear.

This just proves that an actual action doesn’t always have to happen in order to fulfill a purpose. And, in the minds of terrorists, the idea that they can paralyze a nation and scare them into changing their travel plans or how they live is nearly as good as actually physically attacking them. After all, isn’t that what terrorism is: psychological warfare?

We all mourned the deaths of the thousands of human deaths and collateral damage that occurred during the attacks. However, the physical loss and impending disaster of buildings and planes being destroyed was only one part of what the terrorists wanted to achieve. The real objective was to create psychological terror. This has impacted decision-making from where we go, how we participate in the stock market, and how we buy. So, it would seem that the goal of terrorism is to create an unnatural, illogical state of mind that keeps you stuck in a mindset of fear.

Now, take that and apply it to our relationship. Ask yourself the following:

· Have you been a victim of terrorism in your relationships?

· Have past relationships created certain fears in you that you keep playing out over and over again, impacting your current relationship?

· Are your fears causing you to see danger where there is none?

This is emotional jihad and a mental state that is not conducive to happy, healthy relationships.

Whatever you fear has power and control over you. Do you know that 90% of what we fear will never happen? In order to break the cycle of psychological warfare that could be taking down your relationship, you have to learn how to run towards this fear – instead of away – in order to defeat it.

And, just like the terrorist threat in NYC where extra police were called out to stand guard and provide the appearance of intimidation, putting up defenses out of fear will not create relief or make you feel better. That’s because what you fear the most has already set up residence in your mind and paralyzing you and your relationship. However, running toward the fear will put you on the offense, helping you to conquer fear in a positive way.

Power Duo Set to Form Power Trio: Jay-Z and Beyonce Beyond Thrilled to Become Parents

Crazy in love and a baby on the way! Twitter accounts went crazy on the night of the MTV Music Awards when Beyonce announced her pregnancy on her terms. She posed on the MTV “black” carpet, clutching a small bump under her flowing gown, and then rubbing her belly at the end of her performance that night, leaving no one in doubt that there was a bun in that girl’s oven.

When you have the kind of resources that Beyonce and Jay Z have, not only is your first thought, “I wish I was that baby,” but it also reminds you that, although money isn’t everything, it does take the sting out of parenthood. They’ll be sure to have a team that is dedicated to the little mogul or diva in waiting. Sure, having a nanny or a team of nannies is great for getting over the rough patches and balancing career demands. However, it is good if both parents stay highly involved in their child’s upbringing.

We have yet to see how Beyonce will take to the role of mother although that beaming face seen around the world was really a breath of fresh air. The excitement and pride in being pregnant seems to be an early indicator that she will be a hands-on mom. While every woman handles the demands of motherhood differently (Have you seen Alicia Keys on the scene lately?), it can be easy to get out of balance easily even if you are on the Forbes’ list of wealthiest entertainers.

Suddenly, everything is work and children. It’s so easy to get lost in the maze of responsibilities. Beyonce has already talked retirement at age thirty to be a mom, so maybe she might retire her fashion house wardrobe and opt for a low-key look. The problem is that, with the lost appearance, comes a sex life that suffers. And, once that fizzles, so goes the marriage.

So, whether you are Beyonce or a lesser known diva, it’s important to think about balance and not losing yourself or your marriage in the process of motherhood. This may mean making some tough decisions to restructure, reorder, and set new parameters to keep YOU in the equation. Remember: your well-being constitutes the whole well-being of the family unit. When you’re not good, nobody is good. You can only give out from the best that you are as a person.

In the meantime, congrats go out to the famous parents-to-be. Recently, the media reported that Jay-Z was over the moon alongside his wife and was doting on her while Beyonce’s mom was also lending her support. Maybe even Uncle Kanye will come over and make up a rap lullaby on the spot. However it turns out, it looks like they are on their way to not only building an empire, but they are also working on creating a strong and balanced family unit full of support and love. And, if the response by fans is any indication, it would seem that most of us are happier to hear joyous news rather than salacious relationship drama!

There’s Reality Television…and Then There’s the REALITY of Marriage: The Kim Kardashian Production…Ooops, I Mean, Wedding

While a week has already been passed and the loved up pair of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are lounging around the Isle of Capri, this Reality Royal Wedding continues to make the news. It was just reported that she made $17 million off her own wedding…that’s made, not paid!

Quite a long way for Ms. Kardashian – now Mrs. Humphries (as her track suit so elegantly stated) – since the days of the Ray J sex tape and season one of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Now, a fashion icon and a lifestyle brand, Kim Kardashian epitomizes what reality television can do for a person. But, what does TV do to a marriage?

While we all wish her and Mr. Kardashian the best (let’s be honest, we know who wears the pants in this relationship!), I often wonder about the shelf life of a marriage between a high-profile woman and the man they marry, especially one that will continue to play out as part of a reality show (in this case, both the “Keeping Up” show and the second season of “Kourtney and Kim” set in New York). On top of that, Kim has even publicly mentioned doing a show with Kris à la Khloe and Lamar, her sister and brother-in-law.

While Kim is a pro in front of the reality camera, Kris is new to the game and may have concerns, especially when the first few years of marriage are already full of pressure and complex emotions as spouses try to settle into their roles and establish ground rules. But, to have a camera in your face at the same time can simply exacerbate any early problems. Let’s not forget other reality television marriages gone wrong like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Jon and Kate, and Adriana Curry and that guy from The Brady Bunch. All of these examples illustrate that any relationship in its infancy is more vulnerable than when it has the time to mature, strengthen, and grow in resilience – off-camera, preferably.

Even worse will be the gossip mags and other sources of negativity that will be sure to attack their marriage and kick the rumor mill into overdrive. For example, he’s seen out at a restaurant with a female friend—CHEATING! She’s out of the country at a magazine shoot—TROUBLE IN PARADISE! It’s a lot of pressure for a young marriage to take. There is reality television and then there is the reality of marriage.

I only hope that Kim and her pro-basketball beau play it safe and keep their nuptials and their marriage as personal and private as they can. If they can carve out a quiet corner for themselves—and Kim’s move to the same part of the country as Kris’ team is a great start—perhaps they can get the time they to work on the growth and maturity that is essential to a healthy, long-lasting marriage.

Keep it honest!

I have a whirlwind ahead of me. I will be leaving for London today and shortly after I return a trip to Atlanta, GA and both sides of the state of Ohio. Also please check out my most recent media interview you can download it here: https://www.box.net/shared/x5xd730zb2oo7x5r083z

Recently on an episode of how I met your mother Lilly was very deceptive with her husband Marshall. She ran up over $100,000 on personal credit cards without ever telling him. When it was time for him to decide upon which kind of job to get he was forced to taking the higher paying job which was going to make him personally miserable because they needed the money to pay off her debt.

It is important to be honest from day one about your financial situation. Now ladies I'm not saying to spill your beans on the first date. However, once you are seriously considering spending the rest of your life with someone it is time to come clean. Credit can have a minimum 7 year impact on the marriage.

Don't deceive someone into loving you! Be honest at all times.

Publish Post

Visit Dr. Jacqueline Del Rosario at www.doctordelrosario.com

4 Things to Start Practicing Before You Get Married

Here are four things to practice before you get married!:

1) Compatibility – "That's the absolute, ultimate key,” she said. “Being congruent with your mate; being a suitable, compatible mate for a lifelong relationship.”

People should check to see if they're compatible with their mates before getting married, but they should also continue to do so even during marriage. “We can purposefully and wisely ensure that we're navigating ... through some of those channels of life, or courses of life, in unison.”

2) Communication – "Communication is sharing, talking, stay on the same page."

3) Authenticity – "Authenticity is just being yourself,” she said. “I think that we need to be able to be loved as the person that we really are. And we remove a lot of the barriers when we're just really ourselves and we give a clear picture of who our mate needs to love."

4) Acceptance – "Acceptance is accepting people for who they are, and accepting things for what they are, and they're not always ideal."

My new web sites

I am very excited to have launched this personal web site. On July 5th, we will be launching www.bestmarriagekeys.com as well. Best Marriage Keys is the premier online site for pre-marital and marital counseling. I look forward to sharing more with you soon.